What. Was. The. Point?

Dear Crazy Hobo Lady,

Today you once again screamed at me for being disrespectful and unpatriotic as you ambled past in your hunt for... whatever it is you look for on the side of the road. Please explain what part of my job is disrespectful and unpatriotic.

Is it disrespectful for me to take a job that I'm overqualified to pay the bills and keep food on that table?

Is it unpatriotic of me to try and avoid living on government handouts?

Or is it the fact that I dress up as Lady Liberty and wave to passerbys?

If its the third of those options please feel free to contact the corporate offices of my company. If its one of the first two... Fuck off.

Sincerely,

Rae

So YOU think you have what it takes...

To be Lady Liberty?

To be honest, it doesn't take much. Hell, I thought I would be disqualified because I actually have all my teeth. Here's what you do need though...

• To be really desperate for money
• A mp3 player of some sort so that you can block out the assholes driving by
• A knit hat
• No dignity
• Hot water... lots of it... you'll be frozen
• 3-5 sweaters that you can layer
• a pair (or two!) of gloves
• knee high socks
• second pair of socks
• sneakers
• sunglasses
• Two pairs of pants you can layer

Number one thing not to do on a first date...

Do not lean over, give someone a hug, and proceed to "Smell" them loudly and obviously. SNIIIIIFFF!

I understand, recent studies indicate that the sense of smell can be a very large factor in choosing a partner... But do you have to be so obvious? Maybe I'm nuts but I thought it was creepy. Total and complete turn-off, thank you for the coffee, have a good day, nice meeting you, bye!. No lets do this again.

On the other hand, if you want an enjoyable romp, or just an interesting and hilarious book check out Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex.

The Trouble With Dating

In my family its kind of weird to be my age with out a steady boyfriend, husband, or fiancée. Any by weird what I really mean is its fucking odd and possibly a huge disappointment. It also causes my mother and grandmother to worry about whether or not I'm gay. Well Mom, if you ever read this, rest assured. I'm not a lesbian.... Merely a quarter of one. Thats right, I like girls. Though I like guys a whole lot more.

So I joined a dating website a month ago out of desperation. Seriously, I was working 80+ hours a week in the theatre, the only people I knew were co-workers or friends of my sister that are married (or in once instance... horribly awkward. Nice guy though). That dating prospects were slim and I'm not the type of girl that can walk into a bar and find a date with a snap of my fingers.

I've so far felt a "click" with one person. Very nice boy in the military, lets call him Adam (or A1). I'll admit to being super excited when we started talking and he was an absolute gentleman. We eventually met up for drinks at a local bar and it sorta fizzled out from there. It was a very mediocre experience. I thought that maybe the problem was that I was getting over a cold and had been Lady Liberty earlier that day, but alas... I don't think that was the issue. I'm not saying it wasn't pleasant... there was just nothing else. The conversation wasn't as good either in person. Quite disheartening.

After the date with A1 I went back online and started talking to a fella named "Adrian" or A2. A2 is very nice as well, though without the initial click I thought I had with A1. Needless to say we planned for coffee. A2 is an upstanding citizen - working, getting a masters degree, doing good works with underdeveloped children... Maybe not the kind of person to make it into the history books, but will definitely leave a mark on the world and make your mother dance for joy. Well right after I made the coffee date guess who called... A1!

Aye Carumba!

So I suddenly went from having no dates for a solid year to having two in one weekend.

And of course both crapped out and neither happened.

My car broke down, A1 had to work, A2's parents showed up, blah blah blah. A2 and I rescheduled, and I tried with A1, but at this point I'm over it.

I suddenly just realized the benefits of arranged marriages. So much simpler sometimes.

Flashback! Why I Wear Glasses

A couple of summers ago I worked for a regional theatre with an insane schedule. We put up 6 shows in 7 weeks. Just imagine that. And I'm not talking small shows either, I mean big, huge, monsters! Imagine trying to get the Producers ready with only a week.

We rocked it. Not going to lie - but it was intense. This however is another story...

During the show Streetcar Named Desire there was a very lovely young man, lets call him Jeff, whom (according to the rumor mill) got cast because his grand daddy gave the theatre lots of money. He was the stereotypical obnoxious gay theatre boy... Constantly breaking into songs from shows we've all heard a million times while we're barely able to keep our rage in control. Very nice boy... He got his own dressing room because the other cast members couldn't stand him and preferred over crowding to hearing "OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! OH MY GOD!" from Legally Blonde on repeat.

Opening night of the show I was going to each dressing room, as per normal, checking on the performers, soothing bruised egos, assuring them of their artistic integrity, reaffirming their beauty while my own artistic side gave the first shudders of a long its long and painful death. I reached Jeff's dressing room, gave the standard courtesy knock, and poked my head in... To see the most shocking image of my life.

He was leaping and doing pirouettes. Naked. Singing "I Feel Pretty".

And yes, I saw way more than I ever needed too. To this day I find it amazing that I kept my cool and waited until I got back to my office before screeching and trying to claw my eyes out. This wasn't the first horrifying sight I had seen, nor was it to be the last, but I do think it was particularly responsible for the drastic increase in my glasses prescription at the end of the summer.

Job Hunting 101

Don't print off 50 copies of your resume on nice paper and send out an equal amount online before you realize that you had a typo in your email address.

If a potential employer asks for your dress size... the job title "Personal" Assistant does not mean what you thought it did.

Keep chanting in your head "Any job is better than no job". It may be all that keeps you from going homicidal on the crazy lady that mocks you everyday.

A degree is wonderful! But it still wont qualify you to get a job with Lowes or a Bowling Alley.

Spending 7 years relentlessly pursuing a career just to throw it away after college when you reach burn out... Yeah, that sucks.

Its cheaper to loose weight than it is to buy new clothes... Unfortunately Ramen Noodles does not help this, so you're screwed no matter what you do.

When your car is older than dirt try and get a job close to home. It will, of course, break down constantly.

Hello All

Hi there, ho there!

I am a recent college graduate with a shit life. Sounds familiar, no? I have Sallie Mae breathing down my neck, a degree that's not helping at all, and am currently living with my sister while making an asshole out of myself for $8 bucks an hour dressed as Lady Liberty.

I'm trying to fix my life, but alas, it just seems to keep getting worse.... In a hilarious sort of fashion! So I have decided to share it all with you... You being an all inclusive term for at the moment nobody.

So now that we've gotten that out of the way, the name is Rae. Nice to meet you. I hope you enjoy a few laughs.